Sixx A.M. - Accidents Can Happen

Don't give up
It takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that Accidents Can Happen
And it's okay
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away

Take some time
And learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that Accidents Can Happen
And it's okay
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away

(guitar solo)

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that Accidents Can Happen
And it's okay
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away
You know that Accidents Can Happen
And it's okay
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away

So don't give up
It takes a while
----------------------------------------------
Don't know why I'm posting this song tonight. What I did wasn't an accident. It's six months in the planning. This just feels like the best song for me tonight, even though there are tons better that I'll be posting.

I quit my job today. I've been working there 2.5 years, I love my work, I get paid decent, and the people there are the only friends I have.

This summer I'm taking an internship and classes at school. Goal is to graduate in December, and this is the only way to do that. The only cost is all my friends and $5000 worth of income, and that pales in comparison to the friends.

I set this up, planned this out with the possibility of become better friends with the people I care about. Strengthen the friendships through distance, and I now see I was more than likely wrong.

It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away

Life So Far

My friend came back from the military, and I went shooting with him. He's moving to the southern part of the state, so we'll be seeing more of him this summer.

I got As in all my classes this semester, and didn't expect to. I got $200 back from selling my books, and didn't expect to.

I bought Crysis as a reward for doing so well in school. Lovin' it. That game is awesome.

My plan is coming closer to completion. Something very good and very awful happened on Monday, and...now I have to face the fact that everything I planned to do is happening. It's necessary, but I don't like it one bit.

I've been busy, and will blog more later in the month.

Event Horizon

This is the most terrifying movie I've ever seen.

I saw 25 minutes of it on UPN when I was 8 or so. Shut it off and had nightmares for the next week. Finally worked up the courage to rent it 10 or 11 years later, and it still scared the crap out of me.

I just bought it this afternoon, $10 at Best Buy. Still terrifying. Whoever came up with the "hell montages" needs serious professional help.

This movie is a small part of my overall plan.

Max Payne 2: The Fall Of Max Payne

Procured a copy of this a few days ago, and I've been playing it pretty much every night, usually until about 1 in the morning. Awesome game. Hard-boiled, dramatic, doesn't take itself too seriously. Good combat sequences, graphics are still good...what...seven years later?

If you find it, buy it.

Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm Hanging By A Moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm Hanging By A Moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just Hanging By A Moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm Hanging By A Moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just Hanging By A Moment here with you

Just Hanging By A Moment (here with you)
Hanging By A Moment (here with you)
Hanging By A Moment here with you
--------------------------------------------
Exactly four weeks, twenty-eight days from now, I will have made the what I believe will have been the biggest mistake of my life. Bigger than not turning around 3 minutes earlier on my last day of work. Bigger than never asking "her" what her name was, and that's probably the single most galling mistake I can remember.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing, twenty-eight days from right now. Walking home? Running, trying to outrun my decision? Maybe just talking on the phone, and trying to explain this to a person I'm going to owe an explanation to? Part of me wants to walk across the street to the home of an old friend, and take her up on her long-ago invitation to get roaring drunk.

I suspect I'll be sitting here, like I am right now.
Typing.
Having made the smart decision.
Done the right thing.

I'm manipulating the situation right now. Doing everything I can to spin this in my favor. I ran a "long con" once, spent over a year manipulating a situation into one perfect lie that made me feel like crap, saved my brother's relationship with the rest of the family, and screwed up something I had wanted for a long, long time.

I've been planning this since January. Putting the pieces together, figuring out the angles, manipulating the people involved. If I can pull it off, this is going to be the greatest thing I've ever done, and will end perfectly for me. I WANT to do this. It's time for a change, to shake things up, and this is the ONLY way to get what I want.

It does, however, involve some loss of control. And I know what I'm going to do - not what I want to do, I'm going to do what I've always done. The smart thing, the nice thing, the right thing. And I'll hate it, and I'll live with it.

This song rings true for me in several ways, and a couple of lines really stand out to me:

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
...
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
...
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into

Son of a...this all sounds so emo.

Damn it, I don't care.

27 days to go now.