Tales From Retail Pt5

5.It’s Christmas Eve, and the store has been off-and-on busy all day. I got in at about 8:45am, I’m scheduled to be getting out at 6:00pm, and I’m wearily wondering why on earth we can’t just close the store so all these people can go spend some time with their families.

It’s about 4pm, and a biker gang walks in. Or should I say, they look like a biker gang. 5 BIG guys wearing jeans, denim and leather letter jackets, their hair is a mess and they’ve all got huge scraggly beards. I think “Ok, biker gang,” and my trouble radar perks up.

Yes, I know, bikers are usually nice people. I will say that I believe stereotypes usually exist for a reason, and it doesn’t ever hurt to be cautious.

Following these scruffy bikers are about 5 of the richest-looking women I’ve ever seen. Now, I’m not one spend lots of time hanging out in the women’s clothing department, but if any one of their coats cost less than $1000, I’d be surprised. Jewels, expensive hairdos, expensive shoes, the works…didn’t look like they’d ever shopped at Walmart.

So my night’s just gotten a little weirder, and I figure “What the heck, these guys aren’t going to do anything funny with this crowd of women in tow,” so go up to the first guy, who looks like a grizzly bear trying to walk among mankind for a day, offer my hand and say “Welcome to *redacted*. I’m *redacted*, anything I can help you find?”

He says no, and I move on to the next biker. The rest have scattered throughout the store, and when he says no he’s not looking for anything, I let him pass and turn to watch them. All the men’s letter jackets are labeled with a rose and a guitar, and say “Trans-Siberian Orchestra World Tour 2005-2006.”

This is not unusual. TSO was playing the arena two days later, and lots of people are wearing their merchandise. So, I decide to shmooze a little. I find the first guy and say “Wow, a Trans-Siberian fan! Gonna be at their concert on the 26th?”

His reply, “I should hope so, otherwise they won’t have a drummer.”

It is to my credit that I had the presence of mind not to kneel down and start praying in his direction. Looking at the band photos, I’m pretty sure I shook hands with either John O. Reilly or Jeff Plate.

They didn’t buy anything, but did ask where we kept the TSO CDs. I VERY politely informed them that we had sold out of everything except Beethoven’s Last Night. Then they left, and I felt like little ol’ me again.

So, ‘bout an hour later, two women enter the store. Late teens, early twenties, college age. One’s dressed like Han Solo, jeans, white button-up shirt, black vest. They’re not looking for anything, but I do note that they both have heavy European accents and it’s obvious English is not their first language, nor likely second or third.

After about 5 minutes, the Han-Solo-dressalike calls me over and requests a Beatles DVD. Now, it’s about 8 hours till Christmas and the store has been thoroughly cleaned out of everything except marijuana posters, CDs in the Finnish language, and novelty lip gloss on the Jessica Simpson label.

But, I found a DVD by A Beatle. A George Harrison DVD. I recall it was orange, and evoked psychodelic sensations in the eyes.

I bring it over to her, and notice she’s doing something with her hands. What the heck, over, she’s undressing…

She had her shirt unbuttoned down to her navel by the time I gathered up what senses hadn’t deserted me, handed her the CD, and had beat feet to the farthest corner of the store.

Oh yeah, and the registers choked at store closing, so I had to call the store manager at home (this is on Christmas Eve) at 7 at night to figure out how to find a “lost transaction.” I finally got home around 8pm.