Tales From Retail Pt.10

10.Of all the things I’ve seen in 2 years and change working retail, this next one takes the cake.

In walks a mother and 3 kids. One’s a boy about 10 years old. The other is, I assume, his sister – about 15, and dressed in an unholy convergence between goth and emo. The final kid is a little older, maybe 17 or 18, and he looks normal too. I assume it’s a family.

I ask if I can help, then resume doing odds and ends behind the counter. The counter is along the wall, perpendicular to the browsers. This means I can look down one entire aisle, and though your body would be blocked to me, I can see every head in the store.

To my left, in the aisle along the wall, the only one of which I have an unobstructed view, I see in my peripheral vision, an enormously fat person. He’s like…two people wide.

I turn my head, realize I just observed an intimate moment, and guiltily stare straight in the opposite direction. Then I look again. It’s like watching a train crash in slow motion, Technicolor. The goth girl and the ten-year old are…ahem…facially bonding…at a subatomic level. Nothing obscene…yet…and I’m here to tell you it could’ve gone that way quickly. Frisky does not begin to cover it.

Meanwhile, the mother of one or possibly both of these little twits, and one of their siblings are standing next to them, whilst calmly discussing DVDs, completely aware that one or both of their children, one of which is barely out of diapers are…uh…doing a function check on the human anatomy in front of them.

Finally the family makes their selection, comes up to the register, and then the oldest boy darts off, exclaiming about forgetting something. He returns a few seconds later with a marijuana poster in hand. Whereupon, the mother informs the two star-crossed lovers that they should each get one too.

Some people remark upon my dim view of human nature from time to time. I think this could be part of the explanation.